Unlike the previous funeral post, I felt a lot of hesitation while writing this post. I'm not sure why. Is it because I felt that Srinivasan is a more private individual, or because he, being my roommate since 1999, is not a 'work-related' contact, but a 'brother'? Many people have written many things about him, how he helped them, how he was a cheerful soul, how he was extremely bright but extremely humble in his interactions, and Aravind B has made a video compilation -
K voiced a sentiment which is understandable from a Dwaita perspective, "Why does Swami allow such torture?" - in the context of the pain his parents feel on the passing of their last surviving child. My answer was that for me, the only way many events can be reconciled with a 'loving God' is only via Advaita. There is no two - Only One. Then, there is no torture, no pain, only an advanced course on Earth to realize that Truth.
If I forget the truth, I feel bound to my actions, I get frustrated with "others" being inconsiderate, forgetting what You would often say - 'There are no "others" - only God' - Parulu parulu kaadu, Paramatmude.
That reminds me of Srinivasan's selfless nature. He would bundle himself up when he would feel cold in the AC room, and would say 'You can put off the light whenever you want' while he sat at his computer throughout the night. But - nobody is perfect - some of his actions were less than optimal, at least in my opinion. Maybe he had his reasons. Far from asking for help when his failing body needed help, he would actively refuse help in some cases. He would lock himself up in the kitchen to avoid disturbing his roommates (most of the time, me) and even help people via Skype and other such tools during the night. Yaa nishaa sarva bhootaanaam ...
The various anecdotes from Srinivasan's narrated by so many people whose life he had touched, evoked memories of an earlier time, when my actions were also more driven by selflessness and idealism instead of the jaded sense of duty which seems to be the norm these days.
The scene at Pedda Venkama Raju Kalyanamantapam, where Srinivasan's 13th day ceremony was being held - Bhajan at 11:45 followed by Bhojan.
Some people remarked that I must be feeling down because he was my roommate, because of witnessing the sense of pain of his parents and so on. Perhaps 24 April 2011 (Srinivasan's post about it here) has numbed me to all that? Or is it that I'm repressing all feelings since then? Or is it that I'm developing true vairagya instead of smashaana vairagya? So, the answer is that I don't know. And nowadays, I don't care too much, either. When everything is One anyway, all these things like feelings and emotions are just 'passing clouds'. I'm sure that as and when required, You will make me feel and or do whatever is required at the appropriate time.
Next: a dream - just to make devotees happy
the last line resonates with me-sometimes I wonder if being emotionless means having a dry heart
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