1995-03-02 - Thursday - 3 am - finished off writing records. All subjects need many more classes except Microprocessors and maybe Molecular Spectroscopy. Afternoon - read up Lasers for seminar - Verdeyen (Rs. 2000!). Yariv, a British Polytechnic book ... till night. Tiff over Karwa - Sampath മെക്കെട്ടു കേറൽ (getting on each others' nerves) at 10 pm - hopefully You did it and not ego. Read Bhagavatam Dasama Skandam before Bhajans. Saying below (printed at the bottom of this page of the diary, which said, "Indulgence leads to Destruction") scary. Water problems with supply pipe.
Anil Kumar Sir spoke for 10 minutes ahead of Moral Class - You act so close, but we shouldn't fall into the trap as many other "near and dear" of other Avatars. Bhagavatam, so half of bhajans, could think of You. But, as the saying in the other diary says, 'Indulgence leads to Destruction', so I'm being pulled both ways.
1995-03-03 - Friday - Very sleepy, so only at 4. Wrote only diary till Suprabhatam. Microprocessor practicals - couldn't do laser (preparation for seminar), had to sit and take print outs for others in my batch - so, wasted the rest of the day also. Quantum Mechanics (QM) class - just sat, hostel just skimmed Laser books - didn't prepare anything. Night - continued wasting time till nearly 11.
Is it due to too much pressure (studies) or inability to digest Your love or just plain weakness? That period of "vegetarianism" has gone. Mind is again in turmoil. The perpetual smile has been wiped from my lips. But I'm sure You'll help me.
1995-03-04 - Saturday - Umesh Sir telling me to be ready for seminar (lasers) tomorrow --> no wasted time at all! Urvashi shaapam upakaaram. Started day itself by wasting time - last day of jogging - photos etc. Then, ran to take UCR (amplifier + tape deck) to college to record GD's speech & then on, continued running.
1995-03-05 - Sunday - Classes, with Wednesday's time-table. Afternoon - Subramanyam Sir had called us for class, finally decided to allot Special Functions to us, self-study. Seminar was OK, to be continued.
The usual history repeats itself. Oscillations build up to destroy the system. Only consolation is that ultimately all of us will evolve! Our room is very noisy, reflecting all in my mind. (On Saturday, I was too busy to think of anything.)
Seminar ego + other things made me quite miserable by evening, so Vishnu's diversion with a problem in differential grating derivation. Bhajan time message - don't wallow in self-pity, be immersed in useful work, then I'll help. So, what's happening is that I'm spurning help from within and crying without.
1995-03-06 - Monday - Prof Prema Pandurang's speech continued. Seminar continued. Nuclear Physics - ran to elementary particles. Prof. finished QM. Half of first hour spent in 3rd year group photo in front of college (steps).
Group photo of outgoing batch - 3rd years + 2nd MCom - our batch in front of college steps, from my "Swami albums"
Evening again 4:45 to 5:30, Trayee photos room-wise with Warden, Principal and Wing teachers. QM in earnest, but bouncers delay.
Till evening, the daily schedule kept me occupied. Reading Bhagavatam wasn't invoking devotion - more scholarship. Just before study hours, the Dasama Skandam played its part - flash of insight - the line was - "The Lord played with the Gopis like an infant plays with its own reflections in mirrors". So, whatever He does is beyond reproach! Of course, a "known" fact. But I "experienced" it for an instant. You must've noticed the "He". Well, that's my frame of mind nowadays.
In our room, the boys seemed "vegetarian" in the beginning, but after mixing, they've changed. Difficult to reverse the reaction. Same process all over SSS institutions.
1995-03-07 - Tuesday - After one hour of Microprocessors, Umesh Sir said (that there would be an) evening get-together, make arrangements. Then, Prof's class, as somnolent as usual, then photos with teachers, Prof's advice, eating, Harsha singing, Prof continued, all in Phy Main Lab, tables and stools (chairs for Profs) till 6 o'clock. Then, he took leave, we also went after washing. Prof was also given letter + card (Vijayanand), "Chandrasekhar-esque". So tired that couldn't even do amp trouble shooting. So, simply sat in AVC whole study hours. Girisha's prize of Sai stickers etc for 3 correct place identifications in Swami's photographs.
When I wrote to You, I was stiff and formal - the above problem if conception. Mind is running so much that I can't concentrate it on You even for 10 seconds! Someday it will stop. "This too, shall pass away". I feel bad whenever Prof Balsu comes. Possibly, it's because I act in incorrect ways due to lack of patience and later repent, all sub-consciously.
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