1995-01-31 - Tuesday - mid-semester exams

1995-01-23 - Monday - Got up at 7:30. Morning classes, afternoon lazed in college B floor, then QM in Hostel 3:30 to 6. Study hours - couldn't progress. Last day of "special milk" with broiled cloves etc to alleviate my "cough" - courtesy Sundaresan Sir and Ravi Kishore. Troubleshooting Sony headphones for Kshitij in AVC before night prayer. 

The fact that I haven't written (diary entries) till 27th indicates my neglect of You. Physical sickness is no excuse.

1995-01-24 - Tuesday - Woke for Suprabhatam but didn't chant - wasted whole morning just sitting around. Similarly wasted whole day listening to BK on "Oba Sir", Santosh, Satya and Suresh on the idiosyncrasies of  each ethnic group in India, etc.

 

Bhajan time is the only time I'm concentrating. That too, for a few Bhajans.

1995-01-25 - Wednesday - Only one class in the morning, afternoon Basic Practicals also waived. But couldn't study much in the Hostel. No concentration. Also, some doubt clearing etc for Satya, Santosh. Wearing sweater, monkey-cap most of the time - slightly feverish.

Because of my straying (listening to long expositions by various people - BK, Santosh, etc) couldn't concentrate on studies or on You. Why struggle to walk the right path?

1995-01-26 - Thursday - Republic Day - BK + 2nd year boys did all the work - putting up horn + amplifier for speeches. (There would be flag hoisting in each campus for Independence day and Republic day, followed by brief patriotic speeches.) Did QM 10 to 12 as Australian Open and Parade alternated on TV. Slept till 5! after lunch.

Unnecessarily muddying the mind. Because I slept till 5 after lunch, Tamas must have got the upper hand. Conscience shouts in the background, its voice drowned by other thoughts.

1995-01-27 - Friday - Umesh Sir reprieved us of practicals, Anil Kumar Sir announced afternoon (classes) suspended. Though not full-time study (library 2-3 for 2001, Emperor's New Mind), finished (revision) by night milk.

Although You gave me the mood to study, though You made the seemingly unfinishable "portion" seem child's play by night-fall, though all this, I turned away from You. The past tense, as I'm writing this on Sunday. Noted that when one is out of Shruti, one sits slouched, pouting (at oneself). 

1995-01-28 - Saturday - Did N. P. well. Wasted all available time reading Asimov, 2001. Also lent QM book to Arvind. So, only study hours half chapter.

Could write N. P. well. But didn't study QM much - an analysis was made. When I slip slightly from Your high standards, feedback networks (self-pity, Karma) make me go farther, till I'm neck-deep and feeling miserable. Then, usually some jolt or change of schedule is required to put me back in Shruti - Parthi trip etc. after which, like many have noted, "the zone" remains till it melts away slowly - Ksheene Punye Marthya Lokam Vishanti. (Once the merit is exhausted, the soul returns to the world of men.) Actually I had initiated a program to unify thought and deed so that my words would reflect future truth, now that program is all but forgotten. Felt despair - who can help except Swami - or is it only I who can help myself?

1995-01-29 - Sunday - P. Satyanarayana's Birthday - Phy major wished, gave present, bumps. Studied revision after lunch. Before lunch, 10-12, did Chp 4. By night, very confident.

Photo of us Physics majors with Prof Balasubramaniam and our teachers - from my albums.

Wasted time - newspaper, "Billy Budd" by Melville, etc till 10 am - You expressed grief in fallen photo. By night, had finished - You made it so that I was enjoying QM working out! Various signs like my opening (the book) to the quotes* below SSSIHMS in this book, seeing a slip I wrote for Sampath, "Don't waste time ... " - followed, so happy. 
* The quotes were, "Duty is God, do your duty." "Time waste is life waste." "With love you can conquer the world." 

1995-01-30 - Monday - Easy QM paper. Started M. P. (Mathematical Physics) only at 3. Till then, washing blankets, reading "Treasure Chest". Did only Prob. till Bhajans - very distracted. Summer Course songs evening. Subramaniam Sir went home, locking my Kreyszig inside Department. So, only notes. Rajesh Singh took my xerox of Green's function, so that also did from notes first.

Slightly egoistic about easy QM paper. Washed blankets etc, reading MP only in the evening. No link as yet - I think of You only Bhajan time and night prayer time - that too a distant figure? ...

1995-01-31 - Tuesday - Again M. P. OK. M. S. (Molecular Spectroscopy) read "Banwell" till bhajan, then notes. Wrote formulae. IR spectra left for tomorrow. Quite industrious.

Again You scored - M. P.! By evening, the refrain was, Ab tak to nibhaya hai aage bhi nibhadena. (Line from a devotional song - "You have protected me so far, please continue to do so ...") M. S. industriousness gave a warm feeling though I didn't complete by night. Wrote a line of Aum Sri Sai Ram as I didn't think of You bhajan time. At least 15 minutes, so You were near (or I was near). 

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