1995-02-16 - Thursday - Hindi day - the Hindi department put up a program in the college auditorium during Moral class just like Physics day last week - music mixing for the songs drowned out words as usual. Did Lloyd's mirror and Study of Heat (elegant - measure voltages across resistor and bulb, plot T dependence of conductive and T4 dependence of radiative power loss). Got OK values using travelling microscope and DMM (Digital Multimeter) respectively. Tea & biscuits for Physics boys doing practicals. Wisdom wall spiritual crossword. (Meaning that a spiritual crossword puzzle had been put up on the notice-board at the Hostel which was known as the Wisdom wall). Ravi Kishore (roommate) hyper excited as usual.
Now what's happening is that I remember You during the day intermittently, but during specific prayer times, concentration is lacking. Isolated links, as You said, are not of much use. (Should put the links together to form a chain). But cultivating love by love. As expected, the Mari Anthayu Neeve (a phrase from the Arati - "and Everything else is You") phase entered into due to my unexpected burp yesterday didn't last.
1995-02-17 - Friday - Morning session was a waste - microprocessor practicals - pottered around with Delay Timer. Quantum Mechanics - stayed awake by sitting straight. Prof. said they're trying to measure relative phase of Ψ wave function. Our room got prize for crossword (mentioned above)! Keychains with "changing" Swami photo! Letter to previous batch boys - as per Jain Sir's request to draft, Pingali and I dictated into UCR60 (tape deck with amplifier), played to Suresh in the evening, who typed into Wordstar at Physics Department.
All these days, I was busy, so in Shruti. No time to do anything wrong! But now ... Of course, the solution is to keep myself busy. So much is pending. Wrote You a letter of Thanks - KAKS is going to Parthi. Requesting Nithin to refrain from film songs on mandolin and Ram Nishant (roommates) to curb talk - don't know impact, should make it second nature to leave everything to You.
1995-02-18 - Saturday - Gautam Sir's Sikhism talk + NP EMP - all going steady. Electronics practicals - finished Registers and Counters - by 5 o'clock. Not much studies - only Gupshup with Vishnu (roommate) on Optics etc. He cried on 16th as parents would feel bad as he got 32/50 in Sanskrit. Great expectations.
The whole day - wasn't particularly close to You (comparatively). Reason given is that I didn't sing Om Tat Sat, also did NP in MP class, etc. ie. did those I wouldn't have done with You. Also, Vishnu's switch from taciturnity to near garrulousness - should I tell him? No, must be a passing phase.
1995-02-19 - Sunday - Talking to Vishnu in Malayalam and him replying in Tamil, talking to Ravi Kishore, "German News" (magazine) took away some time - the rest in Probability and AVC cassette recording. Felt dissatisfied at the end of the day. (The quote just below this in the diary is, "There is no greater happiness than contentment".)
Though I didn't "do" anything wrong, thoughts weren't strictly up to the mark. So, not much closer to You than yesterday. Your photos helped a lot. But talking drained a bit.
A photo from my 'Swami albums' - Onam 1990-'92
Also, ego exists - felt for a fleeting moment that I'm successful in studies, spirituality, singing - all fields - though immediately dismissed as foolish. As I'm not offering all to You - ups & downs - dissatisfaction at not getting NP derivation after 3/4 hours. Must learn to release hold and hold on only to You.
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